How to stop relying on validation from others
I had a simple formula that worked for me in grade school —figure out what each teacher wanted and do that.
When I started to date, I adopted the same strategy. I would do my best to figure out what my target guy was looking for and try to fill the role, seeking external validation in my relationship.
Pair that with a parent that cared more about appearances than who you are or what you think, and you have a recipe for living out of touch with the real you.
What does external validation mean?
The me I knew was kind and nice. I had a strong desire to please and be liked. What I didn’t realize was how these ingredients made for a recipe of living by external validation.
External validation as in “you let me know if you think I’m good enough. I give you the power to decide.”
Is needing external validation bad?
People pleasing and seeking external validation will stand in your way of your growth in your career (and life!)
When you hand over this decision to others, it makes putting yourself “out there” a scary endeavor.
You’re left wondering, “What if people don’t agree with me? What if they don’t like me and say something mean?”
The secret ingredient to putting yourself out there without need for approval from others
Putting yourself “out there” requires a different recipe where your good-enoughness is not in question. Where you feel relaxed and OK with being exactly where and who you are.
Where you know your opinions, stand by them, and simply invite others to see what you see. All while feeling unattached to drawing everyone in.
3 ways to validate yourself
How do you take the power back and stop relying on external validation?
- Most of us don’t go from people-pleasing to people-leading in a flash of recognition. But recognizing our need to please is a good place to start!
- Think back to your childhood. Who in your family constellation did you want to please? Who got to decide on your worthiness?
- Consider your educational experience. Did you feel the structure and dynamics supported you to develop an inner authority or create dependency on others?
What has helped you reclaim your sense of inner authority? Leave a comment below!
As a life-long single, I often found myself consoling friends through their breakups. Somewhere along the line I started internalizing what I told my friends: “Everything you need to be happy is inside you.” Ironically, articles like this can become another source – a healthier one – of external validation. I like having your voice to buck me up when I get weary of bucking myself up alone. No matter where we are on the self actualization path, it helps to have wise others pulling and pushing us along! Thanks Linda.